Thursday, April 9, 2009

Smartass answers

It was mealtime during an airline flight, "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?" asked John. "A simple YES or NO would be fine", replied the flight attendant.
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said "Sir, I need to see your ticket, NOT your stub!!"
A lady was picking thought the frozen turkeys at a grocery store but she couldnt find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied "No ma'am....they're all dead."
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day" said the police officer. The kid replied  "Yeah. Well I got here as fast as I could." When the police officer finally stopped laughing , he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that reads "Low Bridge Ahead". Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles. 
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and said "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver answered "No. I was delivering this bridge and my truck ran out of gas."
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam . "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class was reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror . She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible. I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."


kruel74 said...

You really make my day rainman, if you haven't married, I would have love to date you

Calvin Soo KJ said...

kruel74, i'm straight btw.....hahahaha. but thanks for the compliment :)

ColourfulWorld said...

Haha, I'm going to laugh all day long... Where do you get all these jokes? Damn funny... =)

I want more... =p

Anonymous said...

haha nice ones =)

Anonymous said...

LMAO... I like the second last joke. *grinz* The teacher was so cool! Ahahaha....she was suggesting that the boy was DIY-ing all night long! Good one!

BlurryLeo said...

hahaha, the last one is good. that is indeed a perfect compliment **grin**

Calvin Soo KJ said...

colourfulworld, i got it from a friend of mine thru my daily mails....ive got tonnes more. stay tuned :)

kenwooi, thanks :)

clef, DIY-ing....lolz. long time never use that method d....hahahaha

blurryleo, dont learn too much from my site. else your wife/gf will come after me *grins*

Shinky said...

hahahaha... =))

Calvin Soo KJ said...

shinky, *grins*

Pete said...

ha ha, good one. Light up my day!

Anonymous said...

LOL ... LOL ...

Calvin Soo KJ said...

pete, glad you liked it :)

chrisau, lmao together-gether.... :P

fufu said...

hahaha the last one!! lmao =)

Anonymous said...

LOL!!! Very smart teacher there!!! Like me! Hahahahaha!!!

Calvin Soo KJ said...

stp, eeyer....perasan lar....hahahaha. jokes aside, i have absolute respect for teachers. especially mine back in 93. they can still remember my name....bcoz i was one of the naughty ones :P

Calvin Soo KJ said...

fufu, dont say that to your gf/wife next time ya. if you kena black eye, it wasnt me who taught you. :P

Anonymous said...

Cis... why would we want to self service or DIY-ing when we can have the real one? Ahahaha....I guess we're one of the lucky ones, Calvin. LMAO.

Calvin Soo KJ said...

clef, sometimes having your loved one DIY-ing for you is even better....muahahahahaha!!!

Anonymous said..., that is one hell of a statement. True, nevertheless... ahahaha