A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said "Sir, I need to see your ticket, NOT your stub!!"
A lady was picking thought the frozen turkeys at a grocery store but she couldnt find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied "No ma'am....they're all dead."
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day" said the police officer. The kid replied "Yeah. Well I got here as fast as I could." When the police officer finally stopped laughing , he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that reads "Low Bridge Ahead". Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and said "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver answered "No. I was delivering this bridge and my truck ran out of gas."
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam . "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class was reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror . She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible. I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."