Sunday, April 12, 2009

The expectant father

How will you react after knowing that you're going to be a father? Or rather, what is expected of you after becoming one?
One's answer would differ from each other. However, there are some predictable reactions, for example, after witnessing the birth of your child, most men would declare "That was the most amazing experience of my life." Alternatively, most parents would melt the first time they rocked his/her child in their arms. The father had to play a big role in his child's upbringing, failing which would end up in the child's catastrophy.
It is possible, and perfectly natural that doubts would arise in a man. He may dread that excessive involvement of a father in a child's life doesn't fit in with his mental picture of how a child should be brought up. This issue should not suprise anyone, especially the bigotries that have been so rife in our human society.
These are the same fears of "going against the grain" can also cause a mental torment for a man who wants to be involved in the tasks that have traditionally belonged to the mother eg bathing the baby, throwing away dirty diapers, feeding etc. 
The very important thing to remember is that with the exception of the childbirth and breastfeeding, there isn't anything done by the mother that cannot be done by the father. I've noticed that there are several types of fathers, in this case I would only categorize them in three parts......The Instructor, The Worshipper & The Helper.
1. The Instructor
This is the typical Cina Apek type of father who only knows how to instruct his wife into doing stuff around the house as well as taking care of the baby. All he knows is making money to support the family. Being categorized as The Instructor does not mean you're a bad father. It is just that you are a stereotyped kinda guy who goes with the wind and believes that taking care of a child is the job of a woman. Well, my advise is.....take time to get involved in raising your child. The child needs a father, not a banker. If you truly need time to be away from home, make sure the time spent and shared with your family are memorable. There is no substitute for the quality of your time. Taking time off with your family also means that you'll get to know your child closer and understand the character of your child.
2. The Worshipper
This one has got no idea whatsoever. Whatever the wife does, he is in agreement, although he knows that it is not right. He simply says yes to everything. He also spents most of his time at work, busy working up late reason being to garner more salary for the family and mostly ignore the problems at home. "My wife does it all. She is a superwoman." In spite of this admirable intention, there are no new born babies that need the best of material things. What the child needs is to have your attention. Again, this type of father is not a bad father. He just needs to know when to step in, or rather when to be authoritative. Disciplining the child is both the parent's role, not only from one parent.
3. The Helper
This one know how to segregate his time from work and family. He know what's best for the family and spends quality time, in order to get involved in his child's upbringing. He shares the task of taking care of the baby late at night, helps his wife in every way he can. He plans weekly excursions for the family, especially with the infants and older children, and make sure that this is their time and tell them how much he looks forward for these moments. This is the type of father I would love to become. With much prayer and God's guidance, I know I can.
So folks, it is all up to you. Which type of father would you like to become. I cannot say any of the type is wrong. It could be that in the beginning you need to dedicate some extra time to learn new jobs. You may need to get up during the night or you may lose a few nights of sleep. There are plenty of hoops to jump through, but the rewards are there to be taken. There is no substitute to observing your child's early development with your own eyes, and there is no greather satisfaction greater than knowing that you have contributed and played an active part of it. 


Uncle said...

this is a really nice entry :)
i personally think that you can't really categorise men into 3 types but on the surface you are somewhat correct :)

well then, will you be having one soon enough?


ps: dropping from BU

suituapui said...

Congrats, father-to-be! My post tomorrow along this same line. Don't miss it!

kruel74 said...

Still waiting to fall under any one of the classification...

Anonymous said...

i think I got a bit of each leh....

Anonymous said...

LOL... u got me inspired, bro. Most modern fathers these days are in the 'Helpers' categories.(well, at least, I thought so.) We have a few great examples of Helpers father in blogspere too. Lemme see... hmm...

Pete, Eugene, Cikgu Suituapui, Chrisau, Garfield, and I daresay, you in a couple more months to come?

Neway,bro, a word of advice. When you become father, 'grow' with your child. Learn how to be a father with your child, and not with other people. Do not ever depend on your mom or your in laws to take care of your child. You and Rachel should be 100% involved in parenthood. Or at least, find time to be involved if you're both busy.

eugene said...

well, my take of being a great father is simple, there are really things i can learn from my children and acknowleging the fact that i can not be always right.

Josephine said...

Are u hinting us something?
Good news?

Calvin Soo KJ said...

uncle, thanks for visiting. my post is only from my observation and point of view. my wife is expecting, hence the post....lolz. cheers :)

stp, fret not. i will surely not miss it :)

kruel74, i'll be waiting for the good news...*grins*

chrisau, i guess all man does. but being in the 3rd category is my prayer. to be the awesome dad, i hope.

clef, in laws would always interfere on how we raise our children. that cannot be helped. we can take the positive and neglect the negative ones. dun worry. we'll raise our kids the way we want to :)

eugene, i agree. life is about learning, and it'll never stop until we die. and we also learn from our children as they progress thru life.

jo, yup. rach is expecting :)

Bridge said...

Happy Easter Day! Wait.. who's going to be a Father? IS that MR. CALVIN SOO? OMG, just make sure that you won't drink anymore, hhaha! just kidding. You have to be more responsible now. Kekeke! I'm sure you're going to be a GREAT and WONDERFUL DAD!

What? YOu're gonna be a dad now? No kidding! Ha!

Calvin Soo KJ said...

bridge, yes my dear. im gonna be a dad soon....sometime in october, i think :)

Anonymous said...

Calvin, you're so damn nice. I mean, allowing in laws to
'touch up 'in your parenting. =.= I'd sooner leave my children in an orphanage than to allow my parents or even my in laws to interfere with my parenting. I'm a selfish person. Probably far more worst as a mother. I do not 'share' my children with anyone, only the husband. I'll raise my children as I saw fit, and allow them to have an open mind, and teach them as much as I can. To me, grandparents are just fit to be grandparents whose job are just to shower affection and spoil the children once a while. They may be our parents and did a great job raising us, but they can never be parents to our children. Discipline and education values are out of the league for mine, at least. I'm not sure about other people, but things work that way for me. =.= terrible, isn't it?

Anonymous said...

woohooo! congratulations in advance! i dont expect myself to be a dad in the near future, unless I... nevermind. LOL.

Among the 3 types of dad you mentioned, I prefer to be the 3rd one! =)

Calvin Soo KJ said...

clef, i agree that it's difficult to allow in laws or even your own parents to interfere with parenting our own children. but cannot help it lor....have to "jaga hati" orang tua. you're not terrible's only natural. :)

kenwooi, near future not yet lar.....but in the future lor. unless you want to be single, like forever...lolz.

Anonymous said...

My way to jaga hati orang tua is go in left ear, comes out right ear and buat bodow. Not syiok about anything, there's always my blog for me to bitch about. Ahahaha... I'm evil! Pure evil! (Thank god i din plaster my piccies all around the web, or else, I'm dead meat!)

Calvin Soo KJ said...

clef....lolz. that's what i usually do. *hi five*

Anonymous said...

=.= Unfortunately for me, my husband knows that I blogged. =.= have to keep a lot of things 'classified' tho. LMAO....but, a good medium to hint what i want for bday and anniversary. Wahahahaha.... plaster all the things I wan on the web. Whahahaha... (shiet, I'm one manipulative woman!)

Malaysian Joe said...

Congrats buddy! Dad at last... sure you are only too eager to be a dad. Try to show more kan-cheongness... my wifey's first pregnancy she complained that I am not kan-cheong enough.. but I sure was after the baby was born.. did not sleep for 2 nights! Just to tend to him!

Now however, I realize why she said that... coz I tend just to the baby.. LOL! Then again, I did tend to her... normally asking her how is the baby.. :). Feed him milk liao? Need to squeeze milk out for him? Have you changed his diapers? Sure you bathe him liao...

Well, she got use to it anyway. Second one, I showed more kan-cheongness for her and all is well again.. :)

Calvin Soo KJ said...

clef, but if your man can tahan your manipulative-ness, then never mind lor....hahahaha

mjoe, i think im more kan cheong than rachel, until she said to me stop it, i can manage...lolz

BluePixo said...

Children need a clear definition of acceptable and unacceptable conduct. They feel more secure when they know the borders of permissible action.

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